By Alex Zalben
We all know it’s coming: sooner or later, the dead will walk the Earth, chomping on the brains of the living like there’s no tomorrow. AND THERE WILL BE NO TOMORROW. Cough. Anyway, luckily for all of us, we’ve had hundreds of comic books doing pretty much nothing except prepare us for the rise of our undead overlords. So here’s ten handy tips you should remember when you start to see your neighbor shambling down the street, looking a little worse for the wear.
1. Acceptance
It’s a zombie apocalypse, so GET OVER IT. Stop pretending you’ve never seen a zombie movie, or whining, and saying that it’s the real world, and zombies don’t exist, like in Archaia’s Awakening. The town of Park Falls refusing to accept they have a zombie problem for nearly a year, just because it usually is something straight out of fiction. Yeah, right, just like aliens, guys. Jeez.
2. Stay Calm and British
Once you’ve accepted the fact that they’re zombies, it might help if you’re the World’s Greatest Detective. No, not Batman. Sherlock Holmes, who battled hordes of the evil undead, as well as his archenemy Moriarity in Wildstorm’s Victorian Undead. All the while, he kept his cool and smarts around him. So keep a stiff upper lip, and you might live to see another day, old chap.
3. Don’t Try To Reason With Them
The thing you need to remember about zombies? They are DEAD. D-E-D, dead. You can’t talk with them, or worse yet, reason with them. Who cares if the zombies of Avatar’s Crossed aren’t even deceased? They’re too far-gone to have a conversation with. And as we find out in an early issue, these particular zombies respond to logic with a response too horrifying to repeat on this blog. Suffice to say, it rhymes with shmaping your shmitestines.
4. Be a Robot
Now that we’ve moved past the first stages of zombie grief, and into the acceptance portion of things, it’s time to deal with the infestation, and how you’ll survive. One easy way? Be a robot, like in IDW’s Zombies vs. Robots. The metal ones are the only “people” left on Earth after the zombies take over – and they’re also the stars of the upcoming Infestation cross-over that brings them face to face with G.I. Joe, Transformers, Star Trek, and the Ghostbusters. Even these robots aren’t 100% zombie virus proof, but they sure can take a few bites before they go.
5. Pledge Yourself to the Chaos King
The dead rising all over the world, and you can’t stop them? Then do the sensible thing, and pledge yourself to the Chaos King – like many gods and heroes (and villains) have already done in Marvel’s recent Chaos War crossover. Okay, so the dead people aren’t technically zombies. But if there’s an evil entity you can side with, or end up in an early grave, which are you going to choose?
6. Befriend a Guy With One Hand
He may be a little nuts, but The Walkiing Dead’s Rick Grimes is probably the most reliable leader in zombie fiction history. He’s managed to shepherd a small group of survivors through thick and thin. Sure there have been losses, which Rick blames himself for – but for the most part, there’s a surprisingly high survival rate around this former cop. Even the denizens of a small town that’s managed to keep civilization among the ruins are impressed by Rick’s skills.
7. Wait It Out
With most zombies being able to sniff out human flesh, definitely not a safe bet – but if you live in one of the Marvel Universes invaded by Marvel Zombies, you should know that eventually, if they don’t eat, their hunger goes away. Even the severed head of The Wasp doesn’t need to eat after a while. So just find a good hidey-hole, and wait out the super powered zombie war. Yeah, that’s all you need to do.
8. There Is No Safe Harbor
In Dynamite’s Raise The Dead II, a small group of survivors head to the supposed safe haven of Alfredo Bay. HAHAHA, STUPID SURVIVORS. There’s no such thing as a safe haven in the zombie apocalypse. Only more zombies. Just realize you’re not safe anywhere, and find the least unsafe place possible. Which is never with your back to a wall. Like in a bay.
9. Combine Your Lights
One thing that will definitely work in case of a real life zombie apocalypse is combining the light from your power rings into a powerful white light, breaking the black rings that have resurrected your friends off their rotted hands, and returning them to peace. Like in DC’s Blackest Night. So you know, grab some flashlights, and colored gels, and you should be all good!
10. Hail To The King, Baby
When all else fails? Strap a chainsaw to your severed stump, and get to killing those Deadites, like Ash from Army of Darkness. There’s a reason he’s been the only survivor of zombie attack after zombie attack, and it ain’t just the giant chin. Also? Avoid books with teeth.
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