The Christmas Special is a touchstone of every medium, from television, to movies, to books, and comic books are no different. And there have been, over the course of comic book history, innumerable Christmas stories. But we here at MTV Geek thought we’d suggest a few ourselves. So sit back in front of a roaring fire, pop open your laptop, and enjoy our Seven tales of Superheroes Who Could Save Christmas:
1. Batman
The Pitch: Santa’s sleigh has crashed into Arkham Asylum! Now, he’s being tortured by inmates Two-Face, The Joker, and Scarecrow, while the poor children of Gotham City are left present-less. So it’s Batman to the rescue!
How He’d Save Christmas: After grabbing a battered Saint Nick from Arkham’s worst, he’d have to use the Bat plane to deliver presents. Though with Batman’s overdeveloped sense of right and wrong (aka, naughty or nice), we don’t think bad little children are just getting coal in their stockings this year – they’ll be getting the scare of their lives, as a pissed off Batman comes down their chimney.
Key Line: “I’m the goddamn Santa Claus!”
2. Iron Man
The Pitch: It’s Christmas Eve, and rich old miser Tony Stark is alone in his office, bitterly staring at a glass of spiked eggnog. He’s all alone, daring himself not to drink… When suddenly, he’s visited by his arch-enemy, the super-villain Ghost!
How He’d Save Christmas: Ghost, using his intangibility, takes Stark around to show him what his life could be like, celebrating with friends like Pepper Potts and James Rhodes, and using his money to make life better for everyone, not just his own life worse. Christmas morning, a changed man, Stark throws a few coats of paint on his Iron Man armor, adds a beard, and flies around spreading Christmas cheer wherever he goes.
Key Line: “The truth is… I am Santa Claus.”
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3. Wonder Woman
The Pitch: When the daemon Ga’al Za-ruhath attacks Wonder Woman’s neighborhood, it’s up to her to make sure everyone’s Holiday dinners go off without a hitch!
How She’d Save Christmas: Wonder Woman kicks the demon’s hinny, but loses her prized leather jacket in the process. As a thank you, the neighborhood bands together, and buys her a new jacket just in time for Christmas morning! Except she comes from a race of mystical Amazons who don’t celebrate Christmas, so she doesn’t really care. About Christmas. She’s touched by the gift, though.
Key Line: “Peace on Earth, and good punches to all bad guys!”
4. Spider-Man
The Pitch: Out late on Christmas Eve, Spidey discovers a bearded man who turns out to be Santa Claus himself! It seems The Green Goblin wanted to upgrade his glider, and stole Santa’s sleigh, so it’s up to Spider-Man to stop the Goblin, and save Christmas!
How He’d Save Christmas: Spidey does, in fact, stop the Green Goblin, by making him crash the sleigh into the Brooklyn Bridge. However, Spidey is too late, it’s already Christmas morning. Christmas is ruined. He carries this guilt with him forever.
Key Line: “With great power, comes great presents!”
5. Concrete
The Pitch: Paul Chadwick’s existential rock-man spends Christmas wondering what religion is all about.
How He’d Save Christmas: He wouldn’t, but by the end of the night, Concrete would have presented some fascinating arguments for, and against the religious implications of Christmas
Key Line: “This holiday ROCKS!” [NOTE: This is definitely not a line from the issue.]
6. Superman
The Pitch: Superman flies up to his Fortress of Solitude, only to find its been taken over by an alien race of short creatures with pointy ears, manufacturing what they call toys – which are, in fact, weapons!
How He’d Save Christmas: Since the elves have bright green costumes made out of Kryptonite, Superman can’t attack them directly. Instead, he dresses up as their leader, a gigantic fat man with a terrifying beard and a red suit, and scares them into making the “toys” dormant and unusable as weapons. After sending the aliens home in their spaceship, Superman flies around the Earth, distributing the “toys” to lucky children everywhere.
Key Line: “Up, up, and a-sleigh!”
7. Wolverine
The Pitch: Wolverine is in a bar, alone, drinking, when a bunch of thugs come in and get a little rowdy. Also, it’s Christmas.
How He’d Save Christmas: Logan gets pushed to his breaking point, goes into a berserker rage, and cuts everyone to ribbons. Leaving the carnage behind, he thinks, “This is why I celebrate Hanukah.”
Key Line: “I’m the best there is at what I do, but what I do best isn’t very nice. You might even say it’s naughty.”
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